Right now, at least 60% of the Irish population has the structural integrity of a 99 that’s been left out in the sun. Over 30 degrees? For more than one day?! I’m surprised we’ve lasted this long without the entire country evaporating, if I’m honest.
But as more reports of a heat-filled foreseeable future hit us along with the rays of the scorching, evil sun, it’s important that the people of Ireland take precautions against the very real danger of melting. Whether you’re pale, ginger, or already sunburnt because you wore Factor 30 instead of Fact 50 sun cream, these tips could be the difference between making it to September and becoming a puddle of sweat and melted Calippo.
Write an angry email
Write a complaint directly to the sun, telling it to cool down, go over to the corner for a while and think about what it’s doing, because the way it’s acting right now is upsetting a lot of people. For extra weight, get a petition together and show the sun how many people are worried their skin will melt off if this nonsense doesn’t stop. If you’re not sure how to contact the sun, just complain to The Sun newspaper. It probably won’t change anything, but it’ll help on an emotional level.
Put on some sun cream
I know this one seems a bit out there, but bear with me. Although sun cream will make you feel sticky and even more like you’re melting, its purpose is actually to protect you from the sun! Mad! Anyway, slap some of that on to your pasty white skin to keep that sexy almost-translucent look and avoid burning off the top layer of your skin. Think you don’t burn? You do. Think your burn will turn into tan? It won’t.
This is good advice no matter what the situation, but let me tell you why it’s a good idea to drink lots of alcohol specifically because it’s hot. One, there’s ice in your drink so that’ll cool you down. Two, your drink was probably in the fridge at some point, so that’s nice. Three, alcohol numbs the oppressive and otherwise inescapable heat of the giant ball of fire in the sky that just won’t leave us alone… so that’s helpful. Just make sure to put on your suncream before you pass out.
Again, always solid advice in Ireland. Balance out your supernatural Irish inability to handle sunshine with your supernatural Irish ability to never stop complaining. Complain that it’s hot, complain that you’re sweaty, complain that you’ve run out of washing to dry… Shout out anything and everything you can think of until the sun gets fed up of your whinging and leaves us alone. If the population of Ireland can do one thing, it’s come together and complain.
Sure it’s too hot to cook, anyway. Get away from that oven, we don’t need any extra heat right now. How about we just have a salad for dinner? I can pop down the shops and get a nice bread roll to go with it. Or, y’know, we could just get a takeaway and eat it outside. Followed by ice cream, of course.
Weather forecasts are promising slightly milder weather in the future but who can say in this weird, hot limbo we’ve got going on? Make sure to take all the precautions you can, just keep thinking of the oh-so familiar cloud cover that will return to us when we least expect it. Then we can all go back to complaining about that.
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