How to Train Your Werewolf

Hannah, Jack, and Martin are in their apartment. They all turn their heads and stiffen as they hear something offstage: it’s their housemate coming home. They all run to the front door and wait, very excitedly, until Niamh opens the door. Niamh acts as if this has happened a million times before and just stands there as the other three hug her delightedly, shouting things at her all at the same time.

HANNAH: You’re here! You’re here! You’re here! I can’t believe it, you’re really here!

JACK: Oh my God, thank God you’re home. You smell so good, where have you been?

MARTIN: Niamh, I missed you so much. I missed you so, so much. Please never leave again.

After letting them get it out of their systems, Niamh attempts to extract herself from the very affectionate group hug.

NIAMH: Guys, guys, that’s enough! We’ve talked about this!

Niamh pulls herself free and moves further into the apartment, sitting down, closing her eyes and taking a moment as if she’s had a long day. The other three instantly follow her and crowd around her, watching her adoringly. Niamh opens her eyes and jumps when she sees them.

NIAMH: Guys, we’ve talked about this. Personal space.

The others say “Yeah, yeah, forgot”, “Oh right, sorry”, and “Aww, okay then” over one another and sadly slump over to the couch. They all sit as close as they can, with body parts and limbs overlapping.

NIAMH: Full moon coming up, huh?

JACK (scratching behind his ear): Thursday.

HANNAH (licks her thumb and cleans something off Martin’s face): Is it that obvious?

NIAMH (stares at them all for a moment): … Yeah. It is.

MARTIN (to Hannah and Jack): You see? I told you. (to Niamh) That’s why we’ve been staying inside all day.

JACK (incredibly frustrated, moves a lot like a toddler about to have a tantrum): Yeah, and I’m sick of it! I can’t stay cooped up like this! Oh my God, I’m going insane! (he stands up) I’m going out into the garden.

Jack exits.

NIAMH (calling after him): Alright, but you leave those squirrels alone! (she looks around the apartment, then turns to Hannah and Martin) Did anyone hoover today?

Hannah and Martin visibly stiffen.

HANNAH (pleading in a whining voice): No, no, Niamh, please don’t make us do that. We hate the hoover.

Niamh stands up and tidies as she goes.

NIAMH: I know you’re afraid, but-

MARTIN (puffing out his chest, trying to look tough): Hey! We’re not afraid! It’s just a hoover, we’re not afraid of it… It just… uh… It’s broken!

NIAMH: Oh really? I’ll just go get it then.

Niamh takes one step offstage as if going to get the hoover, and Hannah and Martin both leap toward her screaming “No!”. Martin is now perched on the couch and Hannah is sprawled across it.

HANNAH: Please don’t.

Niamh looks at them and raises an eyebrow before giving in.

NIAMH: Alright, but at least sweep up or something, this place is filthy. I mean, look at this! (she bends down and picks up a half-eaten muffin from the floor)

MARTIN: (gasps) My muffin!!!

Martin runs over and snatches the muffin out of Niamh’s hand before sitting down delightedly and eating it. Hannah eyes the muffin and follows Martin.

HANNAH:  Hey, uh… Martin. Can I have some?

MARTIN (through a mouth full of muffin): No.

HANNAH: Oh Martin, come on! Just a little bit? Please? Please? Please? Ple-

Hannah is interrupted by Jack poking his head back on stage.

JACK: Does someone have a muffin?

Martin uses the distraction to stuff the rest of the muffin in his mouth.

MARTIN: (very proud of himself, once again through a mouth full of muffin) Not any more!

Hannah and Jack are very disappointed. Niamh notices that Jack only has his head inside and becomes suspicious.

NIAMH: What are you doing out there, Jack?

JACK (like a deer caught in the headlights): Nothing. Just, uh… y’know… Just hanging out… In the garden.

NIAMH (not buying it for a second): Have you been digging holes again?


NIAMH (as if asking a naughty toddler): Jack?

JACK (pauses before putting his head down): Sorry.

NIAMH: Oh my God, Jack.

JACK: I’m sorry, Niamh. (gives her an apologetic look)

NIAMH: I don’t want your puppy dog eyes, Jack! You know what I want!

JACK (sadly): Okay.

Jack goes offstage momentarily and returns with a shovel, which he hesitantly hands to Niamh.

NIAMH: You’ll get this back after Thursday.

Niamh exits and Jack sits on the couch, moping. Hannah and Martin follow and sit with him, as on top of each other as always.

HANNAH (nuzzling Jack): Sorry, Jack. Did you get to dig lots of holes?

JACK: Yeah, like four big ones!

MARTIN: Oh wow man, well done!

Niamh returns and sits on the edge of the couch.

NIAMH: Guys, I understand that with your… condition, things get hard to keep in check when the full moon comes around. I understand that, I really do. But I can’t keep living like this! Every single month we have the same problems! Holes in the garden, no hoovering, eating food off the floor, all my socks go missing… I think I might have to move out.

This is the most devastating news the other three have ever heard.

MARTIN: No! No, no, no, no, no! You can’t leave! We’re a pack! I mean, a clique! I mean, a group! I mean, a family!

JACK: Yeah, we’re family! Don’t leave, Niamh, we’ll miss you so much!

HANNAH: Niamh, we love you! We really, really do!

The three all make their way over to Niamh and crowd around her, holding and cuddling her.

HANNAH: We promise we’ll be better housemates.

JACK: Yeah, we’re sorry we’ve been acting so… wolfy lately.

MARTIN: We’ll be better. We’ll be the best! Just please don’t go.

Niamh softens completely and gives in to the cuddles.

NIAMH: Okay, I’ll stay.

After a moment, Niamh opens her eyes and sniffs.

NIAMH: Okay, who peed on the couch?!